Losing your identity

I’ve been sat here all day feeling sorry for myself as I’ve been poorly thinking about what to write for my topic today. Then I thought to myself being poorly sort of links because when you’re mummy, illness is irrelevant because your child doesn’t know anything different. Do you remember those days where you could just take yourself to bed and attempt to sleep off the illness? yeah, I miss those days too!

Until you become a mum, you won’t understand the change in dynamics nor the adjustments you must make. Having a baby really does change your life and I must be honest it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

After having Ava, I went from an 18-year-old girl who had just experienced being able to go out legally and do adult things etc to then 3 months later finding out I was pregnant and my whole life changed from that moment. I’ve never experienced a couple’s holiday, I’ve never been on a girl’s holiday, I’d only just turned 18 in September 2016 then by the 1st December I had a positive pregnancy test, so I never really lived as a young, care-free 18-year-old. Only recently have I experienced a club and I can happily say NEVER AGAIN. I had a panic attack after being there no time at all, got a pizza and went back to the hotel room. Clubbing is something that has never appealed to me, but I was told I need to try just to see and I never ever need to go into a club again.

I know I joked about the drinking in my first blog post, but I really don’t drink that much. I used to do it to be sociable, but I can tell you now, having a hangover and a baby are two things that never work – EVER! Pregnancy put me off drinking and I can’t handle my drink anyway so its of no loss. If I’ve had a long day then I might have a glass or two but I’m not that fussed whether I drink or not. Guess who is always the designated driver? I rarely go out and for me personally this isn’t chill out time. Chill out time for me is putting Ava to bed at 6 then coming down to sit on the sofa and chill. Having a movie night with a delicious homemade dinner and chocolate sat on my sofa is so much more appealing than going out. Don’t get me wrong, I have had moments where I think I’ve entered motherhood far too young, I’ve not lived my life and it plays on my mind but then it takes a second to look at Ava to realise nothing compares to being her mummy.

To some people I may come across as boring and older than I seem but my life now is filled with joy at having Ava in it and I cannot imagine my life without her. I have this beautiful toddler whose laugh is the sound of happiness and who brings light into my life everyday and that beats going out drinking, going into clubs, getting dressed up etc; also, by the time she goes to bed, I’m far too exhausted to want to do anything in the evening. However, I am reminded daily that I am still only 20 and I should have fun, but I do not feel I am missing out. That may change, I do not know what feelings tomorrow will bring.

At the moment my kind of fun is going on a ‘date night’ bowling because I have a laugh and I feel like a teenager again. Having fun for me is being able to go to the toilet without having Ava sat on my lap or coming in to tell me all her made-up stories (which I love) but sometimes I do sneak off and just sit in the bathroom for 5 minutes on my own because we all need this. That is all it takes to reset me. Also, it’s fun for me having to hide if I’ve got chocolate so I have chance to eat it and Ava thinking it’s a game of hide and seek and giggling throughout the house (I always win).

Fun for me is going out for dinner without Ava, I relax more, I enjoy my food, I can wear nice clothes without Ava getting food all down them. Going out for dinner with Ava is a massive stress for me, I worry constantly about what people think and whether I’m disturbing their meals. I think this stems from the time we were in a lovely pub one day having beautiful food by the sea and a family came in with 2 children who, yes, were older than Ava (remember this). She was only 6 months old at the time and I was trying to get her to have a nap so naturally she did put up a fight for about 5 minutes. Anyway, we were leaving and this man who was part of the family turned around and said ‘don’t forget the baby’ in a very sarcastic, inconsiderate and rude tone. Excuse me mate but once upon a time your children were once that age!!!!!! Becoming a mummy has turned me into a worrier, I worry about everything and I assess a situation and come up with things that could potentially happen even though I know they won’t but knobs like him simple do not help!

My parents always tell me not to worry about other people. We are always considerate at the time we eat and pay our way for the same service but there will always be people like ‘him’! how will children learn social graces if you do not start young?

I don’t have much time to myself anymore, I don’t look after my skin like I used to nor my hair but that is because I devote my time to Ava. This might sound pathetic to some, but I haven’t had my haircut in over a year due to cost and time. I suppose the one thing I do miss is taking care of myself the way I used to. When I try and put make up on I spend most of my time trying to retrieve the foundation or lipstick that Ava has spread across her face – or my bed sheets!!!

Popping to the shop Is a process!

A pamper evening on myself occasionally gives me a little boost.

Some days I do feel as if I’ve lost my identity, I don’t have that freedom to do what I want, and I can’t plan to go away etc because I must consider Ava and there is a lot to think about, especially with the effects of PND I do worry if I have everything ready for her, will she miss me etc but she never des ahah! If she has her Nanna, she is fine.

It’s ok to have a moan about it every now and then because we all do such an amazing job and we get on with it!!!

When you become a mummy, you do change, and you become this selfless person that will do everything for your children and you give up looking after yourself to look after them because at the end of the day they need you whether they are 2 or 22. I’m nearly 21 years old and I still need my mum ( and she loves to feel needed if she’s honest!) even if its just for a cuddle. I know this will not be every one’s cup of tea, but I must be honest. Yes, you lose who you are, and you gain a new identity as mummy, but I know that none of us would ever change it and we are also lucky, but we all have those days no matter what age we are.

Wow this is much longer than I anticipated but it feels so good just to get it all out.


Your stereotypical teen mum x

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